Shadows and Moonlight-- The Journal of Meier Link

Wednesday

Home again. As if this world could be called thus. My home was much more lush than this world could ever hope to be, full of people and things. When I was a fledge, I remember leaving my master's estate to wander about the countryside and see the humans in thier toils. It was fascinating.

Now I have so few memories left of that time. I do not remember what year it was that I was brought across, nor what year I happened to have been born... I do not remember much from my human life, nor the intervening years. I have flashes of the wars... explosions, earth shattering flashes of light that took many of my brothers... then nothing because we hid to save ourselves.

This meaningless ramble about my past is just that. Meaningless... I am digressing and dawdling in getting to my real need for picking this journal back up-- though I must note how amazing it is that this survived the crash when very few peices of the ship managed to do so.

I must speak of Juste once more. He has changed in the short-- or perhaps long for him-- amount of time I was absent from the Inne. His personaliy has changed.. he seems... It is hard to put into words this change that has come over him. He seems fragile somehow when he was once strong and determined. He is, however, recovering so perhaps that clouds my judgement of him somewhat.

He is much stronger at the same time. I returned to the Inne after a long amount of time spent in my own world, trying to return to the Heirarchy-- what i sleft of it-- of the nobles. To reestablish myself. I made enemies as all do, but one made an attempt on my life...

The Inne brought me to the Ballroom where Juste was. I was dying. I admit this easily. 6 silver crossbow bolts in the chest have a good chance of killing a vampire at full strength, let alone one who is as weak as I.

At detriment to himself, Juste pulled the bolts free and forced me to drink from him. He saved my life.

I think he is adjusting to his new lifestyle fairly well.

But then He had some sort of flashback the time before last that I saw him. We were in the library, talking, and he simply went quiet. His mental state was very upsetting and he reacted as though in physical pain...

Schu managed to calm him. I was of very litte help in that area I am sad to say. I want to help Juste as much as I can, he has come to mean much to me and is perhaps the only reason I am even attempting to pull myself from this morass of despair I am trying not to sink too deeply into. Charlotte's death still weighs heavily on me.

Schu, once Juste was calm in my arms, spoke with me some... He informed me that he thought of me as a good man. I do not know why, if he knew how I lived here.... What prevarications I have told and live... I do not think he would say so. I have destroyed entire villages in the effort to obtain what I wanted, and I regret it none. I am not a good man, a am a good vampire. A monster in some people's eyes.

After he told me this, I found myself in the middle of a hug from the two of them. Juste as well as Schu. I do not know why they did it, though I believe it lightened my heavy heart for the briefest of moments. This is so.. tiresome.

When I am in Juste's presense, he is like a shining light that draws me near and lightens my soul with the goodness inherent in him. Yet... I am saddened to be near him, to darken that shining light. I do not deserve to be anywhere near him. He is mostly incontrol of his abilities now, he is even training a few other in how to use theirs. He has no use for me anymore. Why do I continue causing myself pain by going near somethign I can never have?

Going to another topic as this one... upsets me, I must mention the young man I met on my last visit to the Inne. Goku was a very curious individual. Overly so in some respects. He looked very human, yet his scent.. was off. I do not know what he is, and I ddoubt I will ask as it is not my place should I see him again.

However he... posed an intersting point. If I stay in the past... and do not move on... will I stagnate like my bretheren?

I do not know what has happened to this young man, but I know it has not been pleasant. I can only hope that he recovers well and does not snap as so many of my colleagues have over these countless years. Madness can only be ended in one way for my kind. I hope Juste does not come to that end.

I do not wish to dwell overly much on what Goku told me... instead I must needs tell about the strange vampire who arrived while I was speaking with Goku. His name was Alucard and is, by all accounts and his own admission, the progenitor of the Belmont's vampiric side of the family. He is the reason Juste is as he is today.

Juste did not react well to the newcomer and I feared he would physically assault the young man, so great was his anger at he Dhampire. Schu feared the same, but Juste kpt his anger under controll and left the room before doing something rash....

I spoke with the Dhampire after Juste departed. He seemed genuienely apologetic for his inadvertant contribution to the vampire population. Juste... was taken to his rooms by Schu I believe, though I continued speaking to him.

I will admit to retreating to my rooms, before coming to any conclusions about the pale vampire... I had had too much socializing and was beginning to feel... trapped.

I need to end this. This antisocial behavior and tendency toward isolation and dwelling on the past... but I am uncertian of how to do it... I am so used to this that it is second nature. Being alone is a part of me now. I feel alone even in a crowd. Why is this? I was not always like this...

How do I recover from this grief that tears at my heart? Grief not only for my loss, but for Juste as well....

I am going mad.
- Meier [+]
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