Shadows and Moonlight-- The Journal of Meier Link
When the sun sets and stains the horizon crimson, those trapped are free to roam in eternal moonlight...| Archives |
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Thursday
I am amazed at the viciousness present in a woman I had thought so... simple. I don't mean that in a derogatory fashion, I mean that I felt only love from Madame Kudou. However, I find myself remind that the female of an species is often more violent when she feels her young are threatened. Madame Kudou would, I believe, ruthlessly kill anyone who was threatening one of the young men she perceives as hers. There is a long list of names there, and I know now that she would gladly face down demons to keep one safe. I don't doubt that whoever started the attack on the Inne this evening will pay, should she ever be in the their vicinity. I almost pity them. Almost.Wednesday
The woman's ruthlesness is to be commended, however. If she had let the female demon live... then She would not have stopped coming for her intended victim-- of whom I know not the identity. I know this and every other denizen of the Inne knows this. Yet now... there sees to be a finality to the adoption of the boys by Madame Kudou. It seems more permanent. I only wish I had not left so soon after the fight-- during which I was useless. Absolutely and horrifically useless-- as I wish to know if Yohji will make it. He seems to have been hurt the worst though I doubt his wounds were demon inflicted.
Ah yes. I have not yet told how this came about.
Juste and I were havign tea in the gazebo. He was attempting-- yet again-- to make me let slip anything about my situation when I noted an oddness to the air.. somethign was not right. It escalated from there, demons appearing left and right, as well as all fighting denizens of the Inne, those present and those not. I attempted tof ight, but I fear I was without my cape-- my one good weapon as well as defense. I do wish I had been more useful, but hindsight is, as they say, perfected.
Yes.. Juste was trying to get me to speak about my 'Home'. I told him I knew what it was like to be alone with your thoughts... I even confessed to not Sleeping. I doubt he knows that my prison is in space, but he does know I am alone. And that I have lost someone. I wish the conversation had not started. I do not want Juste to feel that he has to worry for me. I chose my prison. I am useless on the planet-- unneeded in fact and my kind is almost extinct. There is no one to mourn our passing there... Juste should not mourn for us where he is. He has a bright silver lining coming. His Grandfather knows about the Inne and is trying to find a way to free him.
This is most exceptional as Juste will then be free to continue his aide to his Family's people. Yes.. I want Juste to destroy the vampires of his world. Few seem to be like Juste or myself from his descriptions. It seems necesary as they prey on the helpless without remorse. In my younger days I helped destroy those Nobles who were like the vampires of Juste's world. But now... I need not. They are all but gone. I can feel it. Even here in my prison.
Yes... prison. Juste is right for that is what this is. A self made prison that I have locked myself away in. Perhaps I should go wander now... Sleep will not come.
Yet Hunger rears its head.
- Meier [+]
...
Gene knows Justes' carefully guarded secret now. But he has agreed to.. keep it under wraps and tell no one.Tuesday
I still worry about Juste, but I fear I was greatly distracted today. Thoughts of Charlotte would not leave me alone when our discussion turned toward eternity and losing those you love... I told Juste that it is better to experience love once than to never have felt the emotion. So true, that statement. Equally true is the conjecture I made referring to Gene and Schu not wanting him to pine for their passing-- should it come about.. and that if he were to pine he would lose himself...
Have I lost myself in my loss of Charlotte? Or have I simply proven my hypocrisy once more? I pain for my lost love... yet I tell Juste to move on and remember his friends, but not dwell. Perhaps one day I will ba able to live by my own advice instead of looking sideways at how things are and failing to meet my own standards.
I am so very tired. I fear it is beginning to show.... I have been horrendously absentminded... Yet I cannot notice anyone pickign up on it. Am I better at hiding than I originally thought? Or are they all simply wrapped up in their own lives to take note of the plight one such as me? Ahh. there is the familiar bitterness once more, the ascerbic statements on the misunderstanding of those around me.
I cannot rightfully say no one has taken note of my change in character. Juste asked me to tell him about the state of my homelife this evening. I refused. How could I speak of it? He would know me for what I am. A monstrous fiend who hides behind facades and pretenses to convince those around him that all hsi fine inhis world and he has no lost love? No pain that tears at his heart...
Would that I could forget this. Forget Charlotte and forget Carmilla. To move on... To truly live again. My age shows, I ramble on and on without saying anything...
I neglected to give Juste the other side of the story of love. "If two people love each other, there can be no happy ending to it."
I know this pain.... And perversely, I want him to.
- Meier [+]
...
I come bearing horrible news. The family of Juste has not killed him, though perhaps it would have been better had they. Then, at least he would be free.Monday
I did not manage to speak to Juste for long as Schuldig came upon us and he does not want his loves to know what has happened to him yet. However, I know that they have locked Juste away.. His own family has done this unspeakable thing. Thinking of it leaves a horrid taste in my mouth.
Worse yet, not only have they taken his freedom but they have taken his pride. They have informed him that he is weak and has let the darkness take him… I fear that Juste believes the coward’s words. They only fear what they do not understand… They fear that since Juste knows their techniques and their haunts that he will inform the others of his kind.
How little they know the hunter! Juste is fiercely loyal and would do no such thing… if anything he would continue to hunt down the blight upon his family’s people. Juste would never lay down his weapons so long as an innocent was suffering. I know so little of him, yet I know this. I wonder how his family could not. I rescind that, I wonder how his family-- save one member-- could not know how loyal to their cause Juste Belmont is.
Juste’s grandfather, for whom I have no name, seems to genuinely care about the boy the family has sacrificed to madness. Juste claims his grandfather would release him if he could, but has given his word. I understand the honor in the man and would not ask him to break his vow, but I sneer at the reason Juste has not simply escaped. They family’s wrath would turn upon this gentleman and he would bear the brunt, even as the rest were hunting Juste.
Would that I could peak with them… allay their fears.. But my life is valuable to me for as long as Juste needs me alive, and therefore I can not go do this, for suicide it would be.
If there were a way to make Juste understand that he is not the weakest Belmont-- in fact, he is the strongest-- I would gladly employ it. Juste is the strongest of his line for coming out sane and whole in a situation he was forced into… for passing through the gauntlet of life’s tribulations relatively unscathed, save the loss of his two dearest friends. He is still alive, in a changed sense. He has his humanity yet-- though it may be fleeting should he remain confined for too long with no company or food… And time passes so differently form world to world…
I fear even more for Juste’s mind. I would help, but I know not how. I find myself forced to remember my helplessness at the loss of Charlotte and my heart is near to breaking for the plight of Juste. He is so very near to losing it all.
Gods help us.
- Meier [+]
...
My own hypocrisy astounds me.
It has dawned upon my tired mind that I have been pushing Juste to accept the offerings of his loves, to sate his Hunger there, when I myself could not bring myself to feed from Charlotte. She wanted me to, and asked many times, yet I never did; I never could bring myself to show her that part of me... I suppose I was hiding once more.
In the end, it was her desire to know this part of me that led to her demise at the hands of Carmilla Bathory. I do not blame Charlotte for this, I do not even blame Carmilla. Charlotte wanted to know every aspect of my person.... Carmilla wanted life once more. I blame myself for Charlotte's death. There were many thigns I should have done to save her... I could have somehow kept her safe.
Perhaps this is why I told Juste to give into his loves' desires. I fear he will lose them as well? Yes... perhaps this is why. Juste deserves something for his years of sacrifice in the name of fighting the scourge my kind are in his world. He deserves somethign for the loss of his friends, and indeed for the loss of his life. I pray to any diety that will listen to a broken aristocrat, I pray in supplication that Juste attain the highest of all human-- all sentient-- desires: Happiness.
I have given up on ever acheiving happiness for myself, but that doe snot stay my hand in aiding Juste. I only hope I can.. and that he does not despise me once my pretense has been discovered.
Ye gods... When did I become a hypocrite?
- Meier [+]
...
