Shadows and Moonlight-- The Journal of Meier Link
When the sun sets and stains the horizon crimson, those trapped are free to roam in eternal moonlight...| Archives |
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Thursday
I spoke with Madame Kudou.. and much more recently, I spoke with Juste.Wednesday
Madame Kudou and I spoke of my recent lack of desire to continue. I had been feeling less of this, as Juste needed me to help him 'learn the ropes' as it were. But now I am useless and he needs me no longer. But I know this isn't true, having spoken with Juste.
I... told him of my feelings for him. It was perhaps folly, but he aked and he asked for a truthful confession... and I have not yet been able to lie to Juste. It will perhaps someday be my downfall as I know not the reactions of either Gene nor Schu. I do not want to drive a wedge between them as they are beautiful together... They deserve each other.
However, I have found reason to improve myself. Madame Kudou told me that to fix myself I must find something worth living for. I had thought myself useless to Juste, but he... needs someone there to speak to when his lovers are gone and he is alone.
In another most overwhelming and unexpected topic, Madame Kudou informed me that I am one of her boys... This is.. unexpected. I knew she tended to take most everyone under her wing, but I had not realized I was included on that lengthy list. Startling it is to have it brought to my attention that there is someone whom I barely know who would be willing to walk through the fireiest circle of hell for someone she calls hers.
I have seen members of the Barbarois who were less viscious.
Mention of the Barbarois brings my scattered thoughts back around to matters at home.
The assassination attempt of just a short time ago made me realise that I perhaps have more political sway than I had first thought. I have gained an unseen enemy who seems intent on destroying me... and I know not why.
Perhaps it is because of my refusal to join any group or faction.. I have chosen to stick to myself in matters of politics and have therefore had to step on a few toes and my kind generally do not take well to being stepped on.
However, it is without precedent, this attacking without announcing. I am far too used to my enemies announcing themselves and formally challenging me to a duel, winner take all. It seems that this is an outdated method, and the new trend is to take your enemy out fromt he sidelines and let your minions to the dirty work for you. It is... dishonorable and cowardly in my opinion.
And now, after the fight at the Inne with the individual known as Arucard... I am almost glad of the practice in defense of myself presented by the minions. Otherwise my portion of the battle could have gone much worse.
Now that I have been back for sometime I note that it is too quiet. Something is about to happen, I fear. And perhaps I have just doomed myself to something coming about by writing those words. Yet I know I will not be taken easily.
I have found my reason to live and I sincerely plan to keep this new promise to myself.
I will fight whatever comes and I shall win in hopes that I may someday hold Juste or confort him again... If only for a moment.
Lonliness can thus be made bearable.
- Meier [+]
...
Home again. As if this world could be called thus. My home was much more lush than this world could ever hope to be, full of people and things. When I was a fledge, I remember leaving my master's estate to wander about the countryside and see the humans in thier toils. It was fascinating.Thursday
Now I have so few memories left of that time. I do not remember what year it was that I was brought across, nor what year I happened to have been born... I do not remember much from my human life, nor the intervening years. I have flashes of the wars... explosions, earth shattering flashes of light that took many of my brothers... then nothing because we hid to save ourselves.
This meaningless ramble about my past is just that. Meaningless... I am digressing and dawdling in getting to my real need for picking this journal back up-- though I must note how amazing it is that this survived the crash when very few peices of the ship managed to do so.
I must speak of Juste once more. He has changed in the short-- or perhaps long for him-- amount of time I was absent from the Inne. His personaliy has changed.. he seems... It is hard to put into words this change that has come over him. He seems fragile somehow when he was once strong and determined. He is, however, recovering so perhaps that clouds my judgement of him somewhat.
He is much stronger at the same time. I returned to the Inne after a long amount of time spent in my own world, trying to return to the Heirarchy-- what i sleft of it-- of the nobles. To reestablish myself. I made enemies as all do, but one made an attempt on my life...
The Inne brought me to the Ballroom where Juste was. I was dying. I admit this easily. 6 silver crossbow bolts in the chest have a good chance of killing a vampire at full strength, let alone one who is as weak as I.
At detriment to himself, Juste pulled the bolts free and forced me to drink from him. He saved my life.
I think he is adjusting to his new lifestyle fairly well.
But then He had some sort of flashback the time before last that I saw him. We were in the library, talking, and he simply went quiet. His mental state was very upsetting and he reacted as though in physical pain...
Schu managed to calm him. I was of very litte help in that area I am sad to say. I want to help Juste as much as I can, he has come to mean much to me and is perhaps the only reason I am even attempting to pull myself from this morass of despair I am trying not to sink too deeply into. Charlotte's death still weighs heavily on me.
Schu, once Juste was calm in my arms, spoke with me some... He informed me that he thought of me as a good man. I do not know why, if he knew how I lived here.... What prevarications I have told and live... I do not think he would say so. I have destroyed entire villages in the effort to obtain what I wanted, and I regret it none. I am not a good man, a am a good vampire. A monster in some people's eyes.
After he told me this, I found myself in the middle of a hug from the two of them. Juste as well as Schu. I do not know why they did it, though I believe it lightened my heavy heart for the briefest of moments. This is so.. tiresome.
When I am in Juste's presense, he is like a shining light that draws me near and lightens my soul with the goodness inherent in him. Yet... I am saddened to be near him, to darken that shining light. I do not deserve to be anywhere near him. He is mostly incontrol of his abilities now, he is even training a few other in how to use theirs. He has no use for me anymore. Why do I continue causing myself pain by going near somethign I can never have?
Going to another topic as this one... upsets me, I must mention the young man I met on my last visit to the Inne. Goku was a very curious individual. Overly so in some respects. He looked very human, yet his scent.. was off. I do not know what he is, and I ddoubt I will ask as it is not my place should I see him again.
However he... posed an intersting point. If I stay in the past... and do not move on... will I stagnate like my bretheren?
I do not know what has happened to this young man, but I know it has not been pleasant. I can only hope that he recovers well and does not snap as so many of my colleagues have over these countless years. Madness can only be ended in one way for my kind. I hope Juste does not come to that end.
I do not wish to dwell overly much on what Goku told me... instead I must needs tell about the strange vampire who arrived while I was speaking with Goku. His name was Alucard and is, by all accounts and his own admission, the progenitor of the Belmont's vampiric side of the family. He is the reason Juste is as he is today.
Juste did not react well to the newcomer and I feared he would physically assault the young man, so great was his anger at he Dhampire. Schu feared the same, but Juste kpt his anger under controll and left the room before doing something rash....
I spoke with the Dhampire after Juste departed. He seemed genuienely apologetic for his inadvertant contribution to the vampire population. Juste... was taken to his rooms by Schu I believe, though I continued speaking to him.
I will admit to retreating to my rooms, before coming to any conclusions about the pale vampire... I had had too much socializing and was beginning to feel... trapped.
I need to end this. This antisocial behavior and tendency toward isolation and dwelling on the past... but I am uncertian of how to do it... I am so used to this that it is second nature. Being alone is a part of me now. I feel alone even in a crowd. Why is this? I was not always like this...
How do I recover from this grief that tears at my heart? Grief not only for my loss, but for Juste as well....
I am going mad.
- Meier [+]
...
I have been rather lax in my updating of this meager journal. Ah well, it is not as though I have readers, now is it?Tuesday
The last day I actually surfaced anywhere near other people in the Inne Schuldig and I had a discussion.
Schuldig… is a man of many more facets than I had first imagined. He was not necessarily straightforward, but it was not to be assumed that he was hiding things. Yet now I see facets to him and wonder how I missed them.
He honestly feels for Juste; wishes the best for the fledge, yet he is in turmoil. I feel he may have never had a relationship of the depth Juste and Gene offer.
After discussing the situation with himI found that he seems almost afraid to lose Juste. This is good as it may give him the strength to fight to get Juste back.
Juste is young. His feelings are close to the surface, and only need a little push to be incited. He was hurt very deeply by Schu’s… misunderstanding of his feelings and the inner workings of their relationship.
I can only hope things work out. Perhaps my nudging Schu toward trying again will help. Gene seems to have forgiven him and will therefore be an asset in swaying Juste.
However, towards the end of our conversation… Schu brought up a very troubling point. He asked if I had hoped for their relationship to remain open-- though I had thought it exclusive in all truth. I find this point troubling as it has made me consider it. And I think he may have been right.
I won’t deny that I fine Juste very beautiful-- I pity anyone who does not find him in the least appealing, but I denied that I wanted him. No, I will not dwell on this anymore. This not something I should think about. Juste is beyond my reach for anything more than a platonic relationship with me serving as his mentor should he choose so. I can be nothing but his friend. This is fine. I will not wreck what chances he has with Schuldig and Gene.
No more dwelling. I have made my choice. I must move on. The Inne willing, I will find someone.
Thus… I wait.
- Meier [+]
...
Through some twist of fate-- or luck, whichever the case may be-- I am still alive… As well as at the Inne.Monday
The hour is early and the sun is near rising, but I felt the need to write. Many things occurred this night. One particular occurrence-- I am not proud of in the least.
My arrival here was rather… harsh. I was pulled from the ship moments after my last entry, which had indeed been enough time for things to start going horrendously awry.
I don’t remember very much from the actual ordeal itself… suffice it to say that it is something I perhaps should not wish to remember. Regardless of this, I digress.
I was dumped on the lawn of the garden barely avoiding the rosebushes. Everything hurt, and I am no stranger to pain, but this was a hurt like no other. The Hunger rose, threateningly so, and I… I took the first human I found. Or rather, the first to find me.
Though it staved off a worse situation, I am not proud of attacking Irvine Kinneas. Though, to my credit, I did not hurt him physically… I have no way to judge if my actions have hurt him in any other way. I apologized as best I could, offering explanation in images, showing the auburn haired young man the few images of the ship as it went down that I have in my memory.
I am not certain if I called out to one of the others as I slipped from consciousness… Gene’s name sits on my tongue, and I feel I must have elicited help from Starwind. It makes sense as it was his wrist I found myself feeding from when I woke. Apologies abounded as I reigned myself in, pulling my tattered dignity back together, trying in vain to present the face everyone had previously seen, the Meier they knew and not the hopeless creature I am.
Gene would not let it happen. I won’t recount the entirety of the evenings events, but it is needful to say that my secret is out. Juste knows of my inner demons now. Yet, surprisingly, he did not shun me. He offered words of solace, something few would do for one such as me. I do not know why I told him of it… why I told him of my betrayal. He did nothing. No words of damnation passed his lips, sealing my fate to be alone.
Instead, he summoned Laguna Liore. Juste likely knows I know he summoned the man, though Laguna seems to think his ruse of stumbling upon us worked.
Laguna is a stubborn man who took it upon himself to hug me. The gesture was rather soothing in the end once the shock wore off, but I do not see the purpose behind the action. Perhaps I have been Undead for too long… or possibly alone for too lengthy a span. Alone long enough that a random act of platonic expression shocks me?
I spoke with Laguna for some time, until Juste needed me to comfort him. Why is it that I despise myself for what I have become, but cannot see anyone else fall as I have? Are they all right in saying that I am not a monster? No, quite the opposite. It means I am simply a monster hiding well enough to be mistaken even when he confesses.
Laguna has done something to me… He has awoken hope in my heart and I know not why.
I fear the future.
- Meier [+]
...
I fear I do not have much time to write. Here I am in the last moments of my tenuous hold on life and all I feel I can do is write down what has happened.Thursday
This ship was never made for an extended orbital hold... Especially not one in as heavy a debris field as that of Earth... And now our orbit is gone and we are plummeting. The hull is rapidly heating and soon will begin to buckle under the strain. The ship has been slowly slipping from its orbit for days now... I knew and did not act and here I stand to face the consequences of my inactivity once again. The main crux started approxamitely 3 minutes ago and now.. As much as I deserve to die, I am not ready. There is too much left undone.
I do wish I could have been to the Inne one last time as I fear I will not go there when I die. No love awaits me to be heartbroken when I fail to return. Only Juste and he has Gene and Schu.. He does not need me. I have only fooled myself into thinking thus.
My time draws short. I should save this now while I can. Perhaps D will find it and take my place at the Inne. The Hunter could use a small measure of comfort.
- Meier [+]
...
I am amazed at the viciousness present in a woman I had thought so... simple. I don't mean that in a derogatory fashion, I mean that I felt only love from Madame Kudou. However, I find myself remind that the female of an species is often more violent when she feels her young are threatened. Madame Kudou would, I believe, ruthlessly kill anyone who was threatening one of the young men she perceives as hers. There is a long list of names there, and I know now that she would gladly face down demons to keep one safe. I don't doubt that whoever started the attack on the Inne this evening will pay, should she ever be in the their vicinity. I almost pity them. Almost.Wednesday
The woman's ruthlesness is to be commended, however. If she had let the female demon live... then She would not have stopped coming for her intended victim-- of whom I know not the identity. I know this and every other denizen of the Inne knows this. Yet now... there sees to be a finality to the adoption of the boys by Madame Kudou. It seems more permanent. I only wish I had not left so soon after the fight-- during which I was useless. Absolutely and horrifically useless-- as I wish to know if Yohji will make it. He seems to have been hurt the worst though I doubt his wounds were demon inflicted.
Ah yes. I have not yet told how this came about.
Juste and I were havign tea in the gazebo. He was attempting-- yet again-- to make me let slip anything about my situation when I noted an oddness to the air.. somethign was not right. It escalated from there, demons appearing left and right, as well as all fighting denizens of the Inne, those present and those not. I attempted tof ight, but I fear I was without my cape-- my one good weapon as well as defense. I do wish I had been more useful, but hindsight is, as they say, perfected.
Yes.. Juste was trying to get me to speak about my 'Home'. I told him I knew what it was like to be alone with your thoughts... I even confessed to not Sleeping. I doubt he knows that my prison is in space, but he does know I am alone. And that I have lost someone. I wish the conversation had not started. I do not want Juste to feel that he has to worry for me. I chose my prison. I am useless on the planet-- unneeded in fact and my kind is almost extinct. There is no one to mourn our passing there... Juste should not mourn for us where he is. He has a bright silver lining coming. His Grandfather knows about the Inne and is trying to find a way to free him.
This is most exceptional as Juste will then be free to continue his aide to his Family's people. Yes.. I want Juste to destroy the vampires of his world. Few seem to be like Juste or myself from his descriptions. It seems necesary as they prey on the helpless without remorse. In my younger days I helped destroy those Nobles who were like the vampires of Juste's world. But now... I need not. They are all but gone. I can feel it. Even here in my prison.
Yes... prison. Juste is right for that is what this is. A self made prison that I have locked myself away in. Perhaps I should go wander now... Sleep will not come.
Yet Hunger rears its head.
- Meier [+]
...
Gene knows Justes' carefully guarded secret now. But he has agreed to.. keep it under wraps and tell no one.
I still worry about Juste, but I fear I was greatly distracted today. Thoughts of Charlotte would not leave me alone when our discussion turned toward eternity and losing those you love... I told Juste that it is better to experience love once than to never have felt the emotion. So true, that statement. Equally true is the conjecture I made referring to Gene and Schu not wanting him to pine for their passing-- should it come about.. and that if he were to pine he would lose himself...
Have I lost myself in my loss of Charlotte? Or have I simply proven my hypocrisy once more? I pain for my lost love... yet I tell Juste to move on and remember his friends, but not dwell. Perhaps one day I will ba able to live by my own advice instead of looking sideways at how things are and failing to meet my own standards.
I am so very tired. I fear it is beginning to show.... I have been horrendously absentminded... Yet I cannot notice anyone pickign up on it. Am I better at hiding than I originally thought? Or are they all simply wrapped up in their own lives to take note of the plight one such as me? Ahh. there is the familiar bitterness once more, the ascerbic statements on the misunderstanding of those around me.
I cannot rightfully say no one has taken note of my change in character. Juste asked me to tell him about the state of my homelife this evening. I refused. How could I speak of it? He would know me for what I am. A monstrous fiend who hides behind facades and pretenses to convince those around him that all hsi fine inhis world and he has no lost love? No pain that tears at his heart...
Would that I could forget this. Forget Charlotte and forget Carmilla. To move on... To truly live again. My age shows, I ramble on and on without saying anything...
I neglected to give Juste the other side of the story of love. "If two people love each other, there can be no happy ending to it."
I know this pain.... And perversely, I want him to.
- Meier [+]
...
